What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 09:01
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He knew the spot.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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I waited trembling.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What is it like to use a Fleshlight?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I have no regrets .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What type of fish is best for fish tacos?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
How do I maintain and care for granite countertops in a coastal climate like Pompano Beach?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is soul school!.
I don,t even have a pension.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Have you ever seen your wife being fucked?
Why did i forgive my father ?
We were not on the streets..
Who then, do I blame.?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Do you believe that Jesus was God on Earth?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I never cut or harmed myself..
How do you confront your own family for not inviting you or leaving you out of things?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I think the readers, may guess!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I write beautiful poetry .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But it wasn’t much.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I will be 64.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My life is so biszare .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He resisted the act ,that day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Put me off passion for life!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One cannot live in the past .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was seconnd youngest,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She wouldn,t have been !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
What did i know ?
I was scared of men, in general
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We all went to grammer schools
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ive learnt so much.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But, we were locked up after school.
I was very sick at this time too.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I said to her
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So, i spoilt her more .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She loved him until the end.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was in good health!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im still living with it.
She married twice! .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was 9 years of age.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And i lived it daily.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
So whats the point in blame.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Comes on , in middle age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Would this be the day?
It was going to be , some day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
All the time i was locked up.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My family never makes their pension either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She found it foreign!.
When she asked me how she looked .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i do to all so called friends.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them